Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Struggle of being Queer and Christian

Be Not Afraid 

Oh God, I want to be so good
I want to be a vision of purity
But you see, God, I’m afraid you won’t come near
Because the world would call me queer
If they knew the secret I’m holding deep down inside

I try to abide, God
I try to compensate for the hole I feel
Deep in my soul
I try to walk on water, Dear God
Because I want to be perfect
I want to do all the right things

God, I work hard
I stay clean
I brush my teeth and fix my hair
I try always to be pleasant
Offering an ever-present smile
I do what’s expected of me

I try to walk on water, Dear God…

I sing for you, God, in the choir
Lifting my voice higher and higher
Hoping my songs are twice as nice as ordinary prayers
My voice especially pure
Penetrating the heavens to reach your very own ears
So you can hear my pleading
Wipe my tears, calm my fears
By providing relief, fortifying my belief
With an answered prayer

God, I don’t want to be queer!

I’m trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I volunteer for you, God
I joined the Salvation Army, and I ring a bell
Is it true what people say
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?
Well, I’m ringing my bell
Trying to avoid the smoldering smell of hell
I’m ringing my bell for you, God
Like a fire alarm

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I got married, God
Oh God, I got married
Because I wanted to prove my fidelity
You know, one flesh, one spirit
Not necessarily for eternity
But merely, Until Death Do Us Part

But the days of my life
A daze, bedazzled and confused
I really thought I could be happy, God

But I felt the squeeze of truth
The pressure, cramping, contracting
Giving birth
Pushing me, forcing me to come out

Now dear God, I must confess
I Am Queer
And I don’t feel blessed
I can no longer contain this stain of blame
It won’t go away

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I’ve set my feet on a stormy sea of uncertainty
I can manage a step, maybe another
But then I shudder
A wave of rebuke rises high
To crush me
I cringe and fall
Sinking into a vortex of doubt
Paralyzed by fear

I am drowning, Dear God

They say your life flashes before your eyes
When you’re about to die
And I see it
The lie

The life I planned before I could understand my own truth
This pious little life I tried to live

So God
How do I hold on to faith?
How do I find courage?
How can I be a person of integrity when no one will believe me?
Even though I finally told the truth

I’m sinking into the deep darkness, Dear God…
Into the deep, cold blue
Nothing left to hold on to

Lord Save Me!

Miracles happen every day, I believe
And now I can see how God has blessed me

Like when God commanded the land to rise up
Out of the waters of chaos
God extended a hand toward me
Saved me from drowning in sorrow
Gave me hope for tomorrow
With three simple words

Be Not Afraid!

Suddenly I gained buoyancy
I began to rise

I still can’t walk on water, Dear God…
But I’m learning how to swim
I’m treading water
Holding my head up, looking forward in faith
I can see the mist evaporate in
The brilliant light of the Son

I got a glimpse of the Promised Land
A place of dignity and respect, equality and love

But the waves keep coming, Dear God…

I’m learning to go with the flow
Riding them high and low
And though I may not always be able to see
The promise of eternity
I can still breathe 
That’s enough for me to know
I Am Still Alive
And, with your help, God
I Will Survive

Be Not Afraid

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