The Struggle of being Queer and Christian

Be Not Afraid 

Oh God, I want to be so good

I want to be a vision of purity

But you see, God, I’m afraid you won’t come near

Because the world would call me queer

If they knew the secret I’m holding deep down inside

I try to abide, God

I try to compensate for the hole I feel

Deep in my soul

I try to walk on water, Dear God

Because I want to be perfect

I want to do all the right things

God, I work hard

I stay clean

I brush my teeth and fix my hair

I try always to be pleasant

Offering an ever-present smile

I do what’s expected of me

I try to walk on water, Dear God…

I sing for you, God, in the choir

Lifting my voice higher and higher

Hoping my songs are twice as nice as ordinary prayers

My voice especially pure

Penetrating the heavens to reach your very own ears

So you can hear my pleading

Wipe my tears, calm my fears

By providing relief, fortifying my belief

With an answered prayer

God, I don’t want to be queer!

I’m trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I volunteer for you, God

I joined the Salvation Army, and I ring a bell

Is it true what people say

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?

Well, I’m ringing my bell

Trying to avoid the smoldering smell of hell

I’m ringing my bell for you, God

Like a fire alarm

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I got married, God

Oh God, I got married

Because I wanted to prove my fidelity

You know, one flesh, one spirit

Not necessarily for eternity

But merely, Until Death Do Us Part

But the days of my life

A daze, bedazzled and confused

I really thought I could be happy, God

But I felt the squeeze of truth

The pressure, cramping, contracting

Giving birth

Pushing me, forcing me to come out

Now dear God, I must confess

I Am Queer

And I don’t feel blessed

I can no longer contain this stain of blame

It won’t go away

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I’ve set my feet on a stormy sea of uncertainty

I can manage a step, maybe another

But then I shudder

A wave of rebuke rises high

To crush me

I cringe and fall

Sinking into a vortex of doubt

Paralyzed by fear

I am drowning, Dear God

They say your life flashes before your eyes

When you’re about to die

And I see it

The lie

The life I planned before I could understand my own truth

This pious little life I tried to live

Gone

So God

How do I hold on to faith?

How do I find courage?

How can I be a person of integrity when no one will believe me?

Even though I finally told the truth

I’m sinking into the deep darkness, Dear God…

Into the deep, cold blue

Nothing left to hold on to

Lord Save Me!

Miracles happen every day, I believe

And now I can see how God has blessed me

Like when God commanded the land to rise up
Out of the waters of chaos

God extended a hand toward me

Saved me from drowning in sorrow

Gave me hope for tomorrow

With three simple words

Be Not Afraid!

Suddenly I gained buoyancy

I began to rise

I still can’t walk on water, Dear God…

But I’m learning how to swim

I’m treading water

Holding my head up, looking forward in faith

I can see the mist evaporate in

The brilliant light of the Son

I got a glimpse of the Promised Land

A place of dignity and respect, equality and love

But the waves keep coming, Dear God…

I’m learning to go with the flow

Riding them high and low

And though I may not always be able to see

The promise of eternity

I can still breathe 

That’s enough for me to know

I Am Still Alive

And, with your help, God

I Will Survive

Be Not Afraid